Guest Post by Noel White.
When looking at modern sex life, one could assume there’s some sort of incompatibility between men and women.
Just looking at the time that it takes to orgasm: Men on average arrive at their climax after around 5 minutes, while women need 15-40 minutes. So wouldn’t it be great to have techniques for men to last longer in bed? Fortunately Tantra has many – and I will share them with you in this very post.
The statistics arising from various studies, of course, vary for both. But it is safe to say that we’re looking at 25+ minutes for women to reach deep states of orgasm. Men, on the contrary, are ready almost instantly.
The societal accepted workaround is foreplay. But wouldn’t it be nice to be able to match the male and female pleasure curves a bit better?
And I’m not talking about rushing more quickly to deep female orgasms. I’m talking about pushing the male 5 minute mark further.
Good news: It is possible to enhance male orgasm control. And it’s neither rocket science nor witchcraft. I myself went from average, premature ejaculation border-liner, to a state where I can choose when (and if) to climax.
It’s noteworthy that most of the techniques that brought this about are literally ancient. Coming from Tantra and Taosim, they are hundreds, even thousands of years old. So let’s see what our sex hacking ancestors came up with.
You might also be interested in:
Don’t think about cumming. And maybe don’t even cum.
Spoiler: This is the most important one!
It’s all about the mindset, gentlemen.
Manage to get the pornographic images out of your head. Do not visualize yourself ejaculating all over and into your partner. And you’re almost at full orgasm control already.
But be warned: while this might sound too simple to make it worth reading on, it’s the hardest of all steps.
I think I have to repeat myself to make that point: do not think about ejaculating. Do not think about “the goal” of sex. Instead: be in the moment. Enjoy every touch and every sensation that you’re currently experiencing. Don’t think about sensations that might happen in the future.
I personally never fully grasped this concept, until I did the following:
I chose not to ejaculate at all.
We could open a deep rabbit hole of Tantric practices here. Some very dedicated Tantra practitioners choose to never ejaculate at al. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I am talking about making the decision to not ejaculate in this, one specific act of love-making.
The beautiful thing about leaving out the goal is that it’s much easier to stay in the present moment. The mind doesn’t rush ahead, visualizing the grande finale. You can be fully present to serve your partner. And you can focus on current sensations.
And the best thing is: this presence will lead to a lot of control, and to much longer periods of intercourse. It is definitely the number one trick for lasting longer.
Disclaimer: If you choose to go down the non-ejaculating road, at least for occasional encounters, you might be wondering how you can survive without blowing off that steam. Fair point. There is some precious advice in the last point of this article, in terms of how to do this the Tantric way.
You can of course also ejaculate a couple of hours after intercourse. I’m sure if you served your partner well, she’ll be happy to reward you in creative ways. What’s important here is: do not think about this potential future reward during sex. All the presentness would be ruined. That’s also why you shouldn’t ejaculate too close after the actual love making session. It should be something separate.
Well, if you’re a man, I don’t have to tell you how ridiculous our “training” sessions can be.
We all like to masturbate, but we rarely utilize that precious desire for training purposes.
Let’s just say that there’s quite a discrepancy between how we masturbate, and what our sex-hacking ancestors understood about self-pleasure.
A couple of ideas on how to pleasure yourself better. So at the same time you’re training for lasting longer during love-making with others:
Make love instead of jerking off
Prepare the space, prepare yourself (take a bath, apply body lotion to your whole body, etc…), and see it as an act of making love to yourself. Not raping yourself on your desk chair.
If we train ourselves to cum within 5 minutes, our body listens, and worse: remembers. We’ll cum in 5 minutes also during intercourse. So take time, be in the present, enjoy the sensations. And don’t rush to the climax.
Push the point of no return
Stop when you’re about to ejaculate, and cool down a bit. Then go close to that point again. But don’t go over that point. That point is called the point of no return, and with consistent training it can be pushed further and further, until you can get full control of it. This practice is also called “edging”. A porn genre that can help here is “cock hero”. Just Google it :)
Simulate the real deal better
If you see masturbating as a training session, make sure to simulate the real deal. Use body positions that you use during love making. Hump your pillow if necessary. Teach your brain to last longer in bed, not only in your chair.
Also: Consider using a sex toy. Fleshlights are great! I personally like a real deal simulation, like the Lotus Sleeve (click on “Build Your Own”). If you want to take it even more seriously, they also offer a Stamina Training Unit which is highly stimulating.
Use those helpers to build up the number of thrusts before you’re about to ejaculate.
Refrain from cumming
Also here you can take into account the previous point: It’s not only about ejaculating, but about all sorts of pleasures.
Ejaculation is not even tied to the male orgasm. So expanding your sexual mindset further than the goal of ejaculation will definitely help you to last longer.
Also consider this with your choice of porn: “Cumpilations” etc. won’t be helpful in expanding the sexual mindset in the desired direction.
Choose the right thrusting technique and rhythm
It’s important to realize that women need a different kind of stimulation than men for building up the pleasure curve.
For men it’s primarily about friction, going in and going out. While women get most pleasure out of massaging certain spots inside the vagina. Most wouldn’t need a lot of in and out at all, and prefer motion inside.
Make this your advantage for performing longer. And at the same time giving your partner more pleasure. Don’t thrust like crazy, don’t move in and out too fast nor too often. Simply stay inside, and move around while being in. Communicate with her to find her sweet spots.
Speed is another thing that typically stimulates men more than women. Go slower, until she begs you to speed it up.
Ancient sex cultures of course also took that to an extreme, and made love the slow and even non-moving way for hours and hours.
Choose positions that stimulate her more than you
This is closely related to the previous point: women and men have different preferences for building up pleasure.
Make use of that. Choose positions that aren’t too stimulating for you (men), but at the same time are much more so for women. So you can relax while her pleasure curve builds up. Too easy, right?
You probably immediately know which positions relax you. It varies, according to anatomy and so on, but generally not overly stimulating for the guys are:
- Reverse Cowgirl
Experiment, and more important: communicate. You don’t want to end up in a position that is not stimulating for either of you.
Use your breath
If you look at sexual Tantric practices, there’s no way around breathing techniques. With its close relationship to Yoga, therefore Pranayama, that’s a vast subject.
For a start, let’s try to understand and apply the basics.
Nutshellized: Ejaculation is a phenomenon controlled by the nervous system. A highly stimulating one. Slow and conscious breathing calms down the nervous system and gives you more control instantly.
So whenever you are close to your point of no return, play with your breath. Try breathing slowly: 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out.
For me personally, it also helps to hold the breath occasionally for a couple of seconds. Don’t be dramatic, your partner shouldn’t start to worry about your survival. Do it gentle and calm, with control.
Breath and breath control is a large factor, and should give you at least 5-10 minutes more intercourse time. It’s worth practicing more, if it doesn’t have those effects on you yet. Maybe also visit some Yoga classes with Pranayama sessions.
PC muscle awareness and control
Believe it or not: There are muscles way more interesting than your biceps.
I’m talking about the PC muscle – a hammock like muscle sitting in your perineum. The Pubococcygeus muscle.
Latin aside, it’s the muscle that controls urine flow and also contracts during ejaculation. The latter makes it very interesting for our purpose of lengthening the time of the sexual act.
The general problems with that muscle are:
- We have too little awareness
- We have too little strength
Good news: both can be trained and gained.
Before training for strength, you need the awareness of what to train. There’s a simple and fun technique for doing so:
The next time you’re peeing, stop the urine flow. Start again. Stop again. Start again. Stop again. Start again.
The muscle that you’re using for doing this is your PC muscle. The one that you want to train.
Gaining strength is possible by doing “Kegel Excercises“. A very well documented exercise across the entire internet. Basically: Doing exactly what you’re doing when you stop and start the urine flow. While not urinating. So for example while waiting for the bus, while reading this, … any time really!
So, assuming you’re aware of the muscle, and have gained a bit of strength – what now?
It’s a little bit like with the breathing exercises: it varies and you have to find what works for you. All I can tell you is: play around with the muscle during love-making. Especially when being around your point of no return. Even when you have already gone beyond that point.
It’s super exciting to see what happens, and you’ll very likely find some tricks on how to postpone your ejaculation. In time, because as with all good advice, it takes patience and practice. Trust me on the results with this one. It did heaps for me, and for all the men I know that seriously tried.
Sidenote: There are of course also Kegel exercises for women
Let’s wrap up with a very woo woo one. While some of you might be inclined to skip everything “energy” related – try giving it a go, because:
This and the first point are the cornerstones of Tantric love-making, allowing you to postpone ejaculation indefinitely. Without postponing pleasure by the way.
So what is this about?
Tantra describes the subtle aspects of your horniness as sexual energy. This sexual energy can be moved around, transformed into other kinds of energy, or well, ejaculated into and onto various body parts. We said we don’t want to ejaculate, or at least not before we have satisfied her for >45 minutes. So let’s look at the energy moving and transforming aspects.
Going into details would blow up this article, and I certainly can’t replace years of practical study with a couple of words. I can however share the main principle, and a simple thing that you can try while lovemaking:
While you do all the other things (breathing, using your PC muscle, …), try to move the sexual itch away from your genitals. Try moving it upwards. Try spreading it into your torso and head.
How the heck does someone move “energy” around, let alone a “sexual itch”?
Good question, and it took me years to understand. Unfortunately I can’t offer a shortcut as far as practice is concerned. It ultimately requires a practical understanding, not only a mental one.
But I can offer a starting point:
Do it with intention and focus. It’s not necessarily a physical thing that you try to do, even though these activities can help (again: breath, PC muscle). It is more a mental thing. Actually, I would describe it as something in-between physical and mental. Energetical to be woo woo precise.
I know, the “how the heck does someone…?” is still not answered. If you have stubborn qualities, try the following during love-making: focus on your “third eye”, a point between your eyebrows but 1-2 centimeters higher. Do it consistently, over a couple of weeks or months.
Don’t geek out on the exact position. Focus on a point in the middle of your forehead. While lovemaking. While almost about to ejaculate. While breathing. While flexing your PC muscle.
If you dislike the energetical concept, you can see it as a preferred focal point over your grandma’s undies. With the nice side effect of it being in your body, at a point of “control”, far away from your genitals. And with the nice side effect of not scaring your lust away with granny panties, but by moving your lust around. Eventually at least.
I know. The beginning is awkward. But trust me, and more importantly our sex hacking ancestors – there’s something to it.
If you want to dig deeper into the energetical aspects of love-making, I highly recommend you go to a good Tantra workshop. Unfortunately they tend to be rare and hard to find. You can also study Kundalini Yoga, which is a bit more available. Best choose a school that doesn’t teach you any Kundalini exercises in the first classes, because those are the schools teaching the real Kundalini Yoga. Jumping from zero into serious Kundalini is dangerous.
There are only a few books that don’t get lost in metaphysical details and worshiping of deities. The one I recommend most is Mantak Chia’s Cultivating Male Sexual Energy. However he totally geeks out on the techniques. And Taoism (his background) is a bit more complex than Tantra to understand.
So don’t expect any quick fixes by reading a book or articles. There is no way around practice.
I hope that I have given you a bit of encouragement. I hope I have shown you that there are a couple of angles to look at, when it comes to achieving orgasm control.
Some of the aspects can have very quick results. Especially the first point – Don’t think about cumming – this can extend the love-making time instantly.
Others, I know, take more time to understand and practice. For diving deeper I encourage you to sign up to Mariah’s newsletter, where she shares her precious insights on this, and related topics. Simply enter your details below.