The New Rules of Sex with Lauren Brim

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Lauren Brim is one of those women who manifest their passions and change the world by their actions. She is not just a sex coach – she is a spiritual coach, drawing her knowledge from her dance career, her background in the healing arts, and various other fields.

She just birthed her new book “The New Rules of Sex” (Note: she is a midwife, too).  Outlining a new picture of sex in the 21th century.  The book “is an examination of the Western cultural beliefs that shape how we judge ourselves and others in regards to sexual behavior”. This book is definitely on my reading list!

In this podcast Lauren and I have a look at exactly this aspect – why we try to fit into a model of sex which we are taught instead of what is true for us.

 

In this episode, we go into detail about:

  • Lauren’s life and how she arrived at the point she is right now
  • Why society has such a big impact on our sex life
  • Why we try to fit into a model of sex which might not be true to us
  • How to figure out what our true desires are
  • Why sexual empowerment is still in its infancy
  • Why awareness is so important to start with
  • And some more juicy and useful information

Links and resources mentioned:

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Click here for the transcript

Mariah: Welcome to this podcast today. It is about the new rules of sex with Lauren Brim. She is a really interesting sex coach and spiritual coach for women and also midwife and dancer so she has a lot of knowledge gathered from different angles and really compiles them into a very interesting new view, I am pretty sure you can learn a lot from her so enjoy this podcast.
Hey Welcome Lauren, I am so honoured to have you here at my show. From where are you calling?

Lauren: I am calling today from Los Angeles.

Mariah: Oh awesome! Where about?

Lauren: Down by the beach. I am here in Sta. Monica and really looking forward to speaking with you.

Mariah: Awesome, great! It is really beautiful to have you here. You are a sexual and spiritual coach for women. But, I made a little research about you and originally, you started off as a dancer right?

Lauren: That is correct.

Mariah: What happened exactly when you, yeah, it is actually quite interesting because I saw that you made a film called Deux. It is quite of maybe a year ago or something?

Lauren: Last year.

Mariah: Which was about homosexual dancers so how did that happen?

Lauren: Yeah, well it has been a really interesting journey they say in life, we sort of always circle back to where we have started and revisited in a new way and I have always been a dancer and I dance professionally out of school. I used to dance in New York City and eventually, I just sort of grew tired of it but just prior to that, I had a pretty bad back injury that got me into the healing arts and what happened was, I had fractured my spine and I was getting all of the traditional treatment and I just was not seeing any improvements in my body. And one day, I got a treatment from my friend’s mother and she helped me address the emotional component of why I had injured my back and immediately, I stopped having back spasms and went off my painkillers and my muscle relaxers that same day. And I was so intrigued by this that I started studying this system, which was called the Body Talk System and I was studying that and still dancing and eventually, just like I said, I sort of lost interest in dance and just wanted to work in the healing arts. I was so fascinated by taking people on this journey to really uncover what their body was saying through their back pain, their digestive problems, their reproductive problems, all of these. I have worked in the healing arts for about ten years.

Mariah: Also being a dancer right? I mean, you probably feel always as a dancer even if you do not work in that field anymore but it is also somehow quite a sexual expression, right? Sometimes, he dance also as an expression from our sexual being and maybe theirs is really beautiful link where if you shifted from dance and also of course this injury to a more, yeah like healing also that sexual natures, wow.

Lauren: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I believe that all of the art forms are that creative energy is our sexual energy that is coming through our bodies and into the world and the artist that we would love to watch and be with, it is because they are channelling that life force creative energy. And for me, being just in the healing arts was not enough. I needed to journey back to that creativity and essentially, back to that sexuality and that is what this last couple of years have been about and making the film Deux while I have moved to Paris and I was living there for a year and a half and eventually writing my recent book, The New Rules of Sex. Yes, it has been a journey back into my body, into my sexuality and really severely discovering a lot of things.

Mariah: Yeah, as you just mentioned you just released a brand new book, The New Rules of Sex. Tell us more about it.

Lauren: Well, I think The New Rules of Sex was starting to knock on my door years ago when I was raised in a very traditional Christian home. And I was only first introduced to Eastern Philosophy and Quantum Physics and New Age Theory when I was about 22 years old. And that was the first time I have ever heard any theory outside what I was raised with which was Christianity. And I started studying that and it just shed this whole new light on the way I had been raised and how I was taught to look at the world. And this was when I first began that I wanted to share with people my new understanding of how to look at the human body and sexuality because that was the area that was so suppressed for me. And I wanted to help people to, especially people who had been raised with this Puritanical Thinking- this Christian ideology which is very common to know sexuality in a new way but it was not until last year when I had been, let us say, I mean dating and just in relationships and really trying to sort of find this goal that we have in our society of finding this one person who you are going to be in committed relationship and have love and sex with, and really doing everything to quite manifest that and create that and then, ultimately having it just flip on its head and discovering that it was not I was searching for at all. I was searching for something that I had been taught to search for but that was really an old model of, this goes back to Ancient Rome when they first passed a law that said, one man and one woman and that is it.

Mariah: When they decided to introduce the marriage into Christianity because as far as I know, I do not have any sources on that, but I read somewhere that Christianity actually have a lot of polyamory in its beginning, where people used to be even more open with their relationships which was for me, quite surprising.

Lauren: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it is amazing because so many people say “Oh, God intends for one man to be with one woman.” That is why, He created Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. But this is actually not correct. Adam and Eve represent the procreative masculine, feminine energies that it takes to make a baby and most of the Old Testament is about fertility. It is God telling Israel, expand, expand, expand, have babies and this is how you do it, one man, one woman and penal-vaginal sex. And this is why, I talk about this in my book, this is why the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is the way it is and there are certain references to sexuality that they are all procreative.
But in the Old Testament, men, I mean God’s men had many wives and in some cases, many, many concubines. I mean, there was a lot of sex happening in the Old Testament and it was only in the New Testament that we stopped hearing those references and the reason is that one man and one woman became sort of a fad in Ancient Greece and they consider it very barbaric to have more than one wife and this is also based in agricultural practices and the switch to patriarchy. But what is very important is that in Ancient Rome was the first time they passed a law that said you can only have one man and one woman and it was in Ancient Rome that Christianity was born. This idea is not biblical, it does not come from anything in the bible, it comes from the fact that Christianity began during the Roman Empire.

Mariah: Wow, that is really amazing stuff you are talking about. I mean, people have, I guess, quite down-to-earth when it comes to Christianity and we can follow the more society rules. Even though some people were not Christian or do not really practice Christianity, they might follow those rules subconsciously because this is how we do it right?

Lauren: Exactly.

Mariah: You wrote about those new rules, were they more something new for you or do you also refer to more older wisdom of course, coming mainly a lot from Eastern tradition but we have a lot of documentation on sexual studies and sexual as something as a spiritual practice like in tantra or taoism. Is that something you refer to in your book?

Lauren: Yeah absolutely, after I dissect a lot of, like what you have said if you do not identify as Christian, this history, these beliefs are deeply rooted in our culture. They are a part of our subconscious mind, they are influencing where we have shame and how we think about things and how we judge each other on a very deep level on an unconscious level which is the most important level to address which is what I addressed in my book and then I re-educate people about sexuality using a lot of this ancient wisdom that you are talking about which is back before a lot of this cultural ways of thinking came about, this ancient wisdom is rooted in a time where people are very intuitive, very in touch with their bodies and sexual energy and after we dissect or shed the light on these ways of thinking that are very rigid, we then have the space to bring in this truth and this re-education and that is what I do in the book.

Mariah: Great! Trying to fit into this model society teaches us. What do you suggest to break out of that box way of thinking and trying to really discover what we truly desire, what truly our model of our sexual being looks like? What do you suggest to do in order to find that, in order to discover that?

Lauren: It is a good question and I think, probably the best way is to reach out to other thinkers who can really guide the way. I know that all of my learning and growth and the changes that have taken place in me have happened because of the people I have connected with. And whether, I have connected with them through their literature or through attending tantric seminars or body talk seminars that introduced other ways of thinking to me or spending time with people who think in a different way or finding myself in relationships or sexual interaction with those people. You exchange energy, you not only exchange information but you actually exchange energy and each of those experiences starts to catalyse this awakening for you. It starts to open you up to a new way of seeing the world and we need that. It is very hard to just come awake and because we are like fish, swimming in an ocean, to see and really understand what we are swimming in when it is almost a part of us, it is interwoven through the fabric of our body, mind. It is very hard to see that. It is really important to connect with people who think in a different way and it will start to change the way you view the world.

Mariah: I find often, also from my clients, that many do not even know what they really desire because, even though you think, okay, our culture is a lot about desire, right, like very materialistic desires and thru capitalistic systems, we really get advertised everyday how much we desire to have this or that product. But, to really understand what we sexually desire, it is totally different level which society does not teach us. To find this confidence and to express our needs, this is something I find also not easy because we are so shy around it. First, we often do not know it in the first place and once we know it, we might feel a certain shame around it. How to break through this?

Lauren: Well, I think just continue doing your own personal work and again, connect with people who do not have shame around those things because I think, we really need to create a subculture and community within the larger system because like you said, it is feeding us on a regular basis with all this information through the subconscious not just in our sexual relationships, like you said, but on every level. What our financial goals should be and all these different things. It is important to re-educate yourself and also, find a community of like-minded people that you can be in and it can be difficult to communicate your needs. But it can also be difficult unless you find people who think like you, who can meet you where you are at. You can be out there in the world saying, “Well, this is what I need and hey, I have discovered that.”

I actually have more authentic desires, the need of what I have been taught to desire since I was a baby. But then, finding people who can meet you there, that is where that community comes in and sort of, I talk about on the end of my book, redefining your sexual life. If you sit down and do some writing or do some meditating around. Okay, now that I know that I am not failing because this thing happened for me and I am not searching for this idealized situation of, say like, what we are all raised with Prince Charming on the horse and one lover who is going to satisfy all my needs, everything about sexuality.

Mariah: Of course, he is out there, so what?

Lauren: Then we write for yourself, “What does that look like for me?” like, “Could I have several lovers?” “Do I want to attend sexual workshops?” Things like these.

Mariah: Yes, beautiful. Yes, thanks for all those really good tips. I talk a lot on my blog about orgasms and because it was, for me, I believe fascinating field and I am always super intrigued by different orgasms or what other people experience in talking about them. I find that we often also lack a certain awareness that, we just see it, let us say, a clitoral orgasm which is very sharp and very short and very explosive normally and as the only way we can orgasm because our mind says, “Well, this is how we supposed to feel an orgasm and then, we kind of cut off every other sensation that might be around that.” We just think, “Ah okay, an orgasm is like that so every time I am having sex, it is supposed to feel that way.” But maybe, there are other sensations we overlook because we do not have them in our brain marked as a sensation, right? I find it always interesting to look into this awareness. Is that something you touching, as well, in your book?

Lauren: Absolutely. I am trying to think of which chapter I dived into that. I think that it is in Chapter 4 and Sex and the Mind because like you said, we are experiencing such a small window of pleasure because of all the shame, because of the lack of education, because of a lot of factors. Most women are just experiencing clitoral orgasms if that some others are not even experiencing that.

Mariah: Of course yeah.

Lauren: And they have very numb vaginas and so they are not feeling all the pleasure in the interior wall of the vagina and the lateral, the side walls, and the back. One of the things that I talk about in the book is that people do not realize the same nerve that connects to the tip of the penis and the dorsal side of the clitoris, that same nerve that extends from the sacrum bone through the pelvis before reaches the clitoris and the tip of the penis, it extends into the anal nerve and that extends into the perineal nerve or our pelvic floor, both superficial and deep before extending into the genitals. We have this pelvis that is full of these nerves that turn on and provide pleasure and also feed this energy up the spine for our own enlightenment and our own personal evolution. Most women do not even know still that they have all the same tissue that men have in their penis inside of their pelvises.

Mariah: All right.

Lauren: And when we are aroused our whole pelvis is filled up with cavernosa tissue, that same tissue that fills up with blood and expands when the penis is aroused and erect. We have that inside of us so having anything penetrate us from any different angle should provide us with all these different orgasms and waves of pleasure and I think women do not know it and they also are afraid to feel because before you wake up feeling often there can be numbness, there can be pain, there can be a sort of strange feeling or discomfort. And a lot of women stop at this point.

Mariah: Of course yeah.

Lauren: And they need to keep going through that and discover the pleasure on the other side.

Mariah: Exactly. When certain emotions are coming up they do not want to cry because they think their lover might feel strange about them. But maybe that would be exactly the release of, letting go and dropping into that surrendering space.

Lauren: Yeah.

Mariah: Yeah, great! It sounds really lovely. I am going to read your book for sure. Yeah, a more personal question, where are you standing right now after releasing your book and everything? Where are you at right now?

Lauren: Well, that is a big question. I have been writing this book for a year and when it was born it really did feel like a birthing process. I really feel like I pushed that book.

Mariah: And you are a midwife too.

Lauren: Yes, yes! I trained as a midwife and I talk about the importance of sexuality and birth in the book. I was very aware when I was in labor with the book and I felt it coming through me and it was very, very physical.

Mariah: You had a midwife on your side?

Lauren: I needed a midwife there. I really did it, sort of on my own. I have a lot of people supporting me from the Skype and conversations and what not but. Yeah, I birth this book and now I feel I am in a sort of quiet, post-partum space where I am sort of revisiting the world with new eyes and also I am back in the US and much of the book I wrote from Europe which I felt like I needed to get out of the US to write the book because I’m from here and because, again, environments are so rich with information that they are feeding us. And that is not always a good thing.

Actually, at the moment, I am really wanting to retreat back into nature for a while and to be with myself and discover some new things. I am going to do some marketing for the book for a while and then probably sort of trying to get away from society for a bit. But, I also really have several projects in relationship to sexuality that I want to create next, including a book I want to write further on sexuality and love and another series I would like to do for children that is a sexual education series for children.

Mariah: That is a good one, yeah.

Lauren: Yeah, for the different age levels. When I have been travelling in the UK, and in France and all these different places, I hear so many stories from men and women about the lack of sexual education that they get. Even just about your vulva versus your vagina and wet dreams and menstruation and masturbation. I want to talk about it in a really beautiful, empowering way that is very age appropriate. That is going to be any project in mind.

Mariah: Wow, sounds lovely! And maybe at some point, dancing and sexuality maybe that might be a really beautiful combination, too. I am not sure.

Lauren: Yeah, you are absolutely right. That was so amazing to explore in my film that I made in Paris last year, my film Deux which means two and is all about what happens when the energy of two come together and what I wanted to show in the film was that. And again, I was raised to believe that it is a man and a woman that come together and that is the only acceptable combination and growing up in the dance world, in a classical contemporary dance world. I never saw two male lovers on stage. I never saw two female lovers on stage and I actually woke up from sleep with an image of two women lovers dancing a ballet duet together and that was berth to be the choreography. So there are two women lovers in the film, two men and then a man and a woman.

You watch these 3 couples on their journey and sort of the push and pull of love and the coming together when you come so close into someone that you reached that unity with all of creation and then you sort of find yourself at the end of every embrace or at the end of the orgasm, you find yourself back in this world of duality, the physical universe, with separation and then sort of finding your balance again in that realm as well. Yes, I would love to do more with that.

Mariah: It is great to see that out of a dream even you realized the movie and out of a certain experience with your back injury, you went into that healing process and now, you are sexual and spiritual coach. It is great that you are manifesting all that. Beautiful.

Lauren: Well, I attribute it to sexuality. The sexuality is the motor, it is what moves it and actually, before I fell asleep I was looking at imagery and I saw this dance photo of this man and this woman and it was so beautiful and sexual that I was so aroused by it. I was actually almost jealous and that which is an energy that I have learned to now embrace when I feel jealousy, I say, “Oh, what are they experiencing that I have shut myself down from having?” Thus, I am feeling jealousy and I fell asleep, woke up and that energy that I felt became this amazing film that has touched so many people and when I had my back injury I remember when I first went to see the alternative practitioner and he asked me, “So, what is going on with your libido?” And I did not know what that word meant at the time that it meant sex drive. And I had none Mariah, I had no libido at the time. I had no impulse to masturbate. I had no impulse to find a sexual partner. I was very much in Christianity and very depressed and shutdown and so my back broke right at this point of the sexual chakra.

Mariah: Yeah, cut, cut off. Yeah, physical manifestation.

Lauren: Yeah, exactly. As sexuality has come back in now, when I am sexual whether with a partner or with myself or sometimes I am just writing, sitting in front of the computer and the energy is moving through me and I will just have an orgasm just breathing and I feel myself clenching or rocking and opening up and allow that energy to move into the physical and I mean, I have made two films and wrote a book this year and that is all sexual energy comes through.

Mariah: Beautiful, of course yeah, it is pure feminine crate of energy working through you. Amazing. I have one last question which is more choosy one. You just said when you were sitting in front of the computer and some orgasmic energy move through you. Maybe you can describe this orgasm with one adjective, one verb and one animal. As an example, mine is crazy, jumping giraffe.

Lauren: Ok, see one an adjective and an animal?

Mariah: And a verb, yeah.

Lauren: And a verb okay. Let us see, the orgasms that I have when I am writing and sitting up in that space. I would say, I will use that word, juicy, rolling, unicorn. It goes right up.

Mariah: Yey, I loved that. Great. Okay, this actually brings us to the end of the show. I was truly honoured to talk to you. A lot of amazing stuff you brought out here and lot of things we can think about, integrate in our daily lives, increases awareness and discover our journey here. Where can we find you, if we want to learn more about you?

Lauren: People can go to thenewrulesofsex.com and they can find my book there and a link to my other website where I have got lots of free videos. I have got a blog, there’s loads of resources there and they can connect with me there.

Mariah: Awesome, yeah. And of course, as always check out the show notes on my blog Orgasmic Discourses.com and yeah, thanks a lot, I wish you wonderful day and goodbye.

Lauren: Thank you so much.

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