Jealousy is a lousy nagging monster – once it’s there it doesn’t want to leave us alone and we keep feeding it with little portions so it starts loving us as as much as we start hating it. This relationship between the nagging monster and us grows day by day as long as we continue giving it food and attention. So how to deal with jealousy?
It can arise at moments of social interaction, during deep passionate love making, at the Sunday family dinner table, during a board game, during shopping with your girlfriends – well actually it can sneak in at every possible time and situation of the day.
Dealing with jealousy
A few days ago my main partner was planning to have a date with a girl, so I was preparing for that evening and thinking how I could spend the time. We are living in a polyamorous relationship where we invite more diversity and abundance into our loving relationship by dating other people. So I started to get really exited about seeing my other lover on that evening, to prepare something special for him, spend a romantic time together and seduce him in a loving and unusual way. Well, it ended differently. As I wrote him a text saying I would love to see him on that evening, he replied that he already had a hot date on this evening and that she is really special. BAM! I got a visit from the lousy nagging monster. I wasn’t prepared for that, and especially not when my main partner has a date on and my other lover does too – and with a hot and special girl! That’s too much. It’s not really the fact that both my lovers were having a date on, but that one of them told me how hot and special his date was going to be. I was jealous and envious at the same time. Wanting both my lovers to spend time with me instead of with those stupid hot chics; what do they have that I don’t? The monster was triggered not only because I couldn’t get one of my two lovers to spend time with me, but by the fact that I projected myself as not hot and special, but as unloved and deserted. This projection was the food I offered to the monster which woke it up.
So how did I deal with it?
- I looked at the monster consciously. By giving it space and studying it carefully instead of ignoring it, we can understand its patterns and realize how silly it actually is.
- I expressed it to my main partner, made myself transparent and open. Once the monster is awake it’s hard to pretend to be normal.In the past I always tried to pretend everything was normal, but people would always notice that I was depressed, quiet and negative. Shame is a huge emotion which comes with the monster, that makes it the reason that it’s hard to admit that we are jealous. But I realized that the monster doesn’t like light, so if we open the dark room and let light through the door and windows in, it will slowly find a way to disappear. By sharing those feelings towards my partner he responded very maturely and gave me lots of love and affection. This helped me to overcome my insecurities in not feeling hot and special.
- The next thing I did, because I knew the monster would be waiting under the bed once the evening approached and it was getting dark outside, was that I thought about how I could spend the time in a loving and supportive environment. Luckily on that evening a dance class was happening, so I could dance together with my friends and have a good time.
- I practiced yoga in the morning and focused a lot on love. I think any practice which gives us trust in the universal abundance of love helps to overcome the feeling of lack.
- I detached. I tried mentally to not identify with the monster, not feeding it with more projections.
- I reminded myself of my intentions: why I am living in a polyamorous relationship? What’s so beautiful and positive about it? Becoming aware of all positive and supporting aspects of your goals and intentions connected to that situation helps in dealing with jealousy.
- I also reminded myself how beautiful I am. That positive suggestion helps 100% to overcome envy. Building your confidence will abolish insecurities which are food for the monster.
It is not easy at all, and it can be a long journey to deal with jealousy and envy. I really encourage you to look at it consciously and ask yourself if this is really necessary. Is it necessary to keep feeding the monster and keep giving it attention? I think life is too beautiful to do that.