So we do know that sex is healthy and a great thing to do for improving your wellbeing. And it’s a tremendous form of human interaction. Let alone being fun and one of our deepest desires. But how… how to initiate sex?
That’s not only a question virgins might ask. It’s also a question Mariah gets asked over and over again by her clients who are in a long term relationship or married. Admittedly, there’s a bit of a gap between the virgins and the 3-year-anniversarists, a group of people that does not ask that question too often. What can we learn from them?
First Things First: Becoming an Initiator
“Wait” you might say. “Sounds interesting, but…” you might say. And “Whatever new trick comes along… I’m just not the guy/woman who would do those things”. And you might be right. Not everyone is a natural initiator. In fact, few people are.
So what does it need to initiate coitus? A couple of things actually. Good news: they’re all achievable if the motivation is there. Ready?
You won’t be an initiator without the desire for initiation. Lust, libido, the fuel. If that’s missing in your life, you’re not a natural in this, because the desire isn’t natural. But guess what – we’re looking at a chicken-egg situation here: A healthy and exciting sex life can actually increase your libido. So you can work on your libido by having sex. And initiating sex very often leads to having sex. So that’s one way to increase your libido. Others are outlined in these posts.
If you’re unhappy with yourself, your body, your behavior… you probably are not the kind of person who’s initiating sex naturally. Lacking this confidence and self-love is a mindset issue. Actively love yourself to build to make loving yourself a habit. Another, more grounded way is shown in the next point.
Lack of sexual confidence is actually very much related to lack of self-love/confidence. However it’s not equal. A very self-confident person might simply lack sexual experience, and therefore not be confident with this part of his/her life. But guess where sexual confidence develops? Yep, when having good sex. I know, this might be frustrating to hear. The hack for this chicken-egg situation (again!) is the following: good masturbation. Not jacking off to porn or making your clit explode with the showerhead. Good masturbation. Learn more about it in my podcast here.
Non-fear of Rejection
Let’s wrap up this small list of requirements for being an initiator with a very mental one again. Everyone is afraid of being rejected. All the time. Why is it so hard to talk to that attractive man/woman in the bar? Because we’re afraid of being rejected. Why is it so hard to directly initiate sex? Because we’re afraid of rejection.
The recipe for this situation is: stop caring. There’s nothing wrong with being rejected. It happens. Next. If that’s not practical enough advice for you, you can practice it the experimental way: go out on the street and ask 10 strangers to marry you. A good opportunity to get used to rejection. A promise: you’ll feel rather pumped while and after doing it, and the rejections can be very exciting.
Now that we have spoken a bit about the prerequisites of initiating sex, and how to overcome them (again, the best recipe is: just do it!), let’s look into some not-so-common ideas on how to kick off coitus.
We’ll have a look at some “methods” that go beyond fumbling under the blanket before going to sleep. However, beware: as soon as we try to rationalize things, the required spark vanishes quickly. So take the following advice as an inspiration rather than an algorithm. And please, please consider whether your significant other is the right person for the approach you’re going for. Even though the following methods are rather gentle, you definitely don’t want to accidentally tap into a trauma of his/hers.
1. Instant Oral
Did I promise gentle methods? Let’s start with an ungentle one. This one is an easy one for women (or men in gay relationships), because every single man I’ve ever met would totally not mind the following scenario: coming home from work, hanging up his coat, while a sexy significant other enters the scene, pulls down his pants and starts giving head passionately.
You don’t have to memorize a lot of sentences to get this started. Mental difficulty is 0 out of 5.
Success rate however is reported to be very high.
But let’s have a look at it why it works so well, and how we might be able to make it interesting for a female prey.
First of all, it’s a typical masculine fantasy. You might have the concern that it comes from terrible (terrible!) porn plots, and that it’s not natural and healthy behavior. And I would agree, if that was the only way you initiated sex in your relationship. But let’s stay open minded: adding something new to your potpourri of seduction doesn’t automatically erase all your other tools.
Be careful when applying this to women. They work, as we know, very differently in that area. You should never ever wait behind the door with a lubed up penis waiting for your fiancé (unless she is totally into those things). The passion should not start as genital as with a man. Take the Instant Oral principle, but don’t start being oral on her primary genitals. Start kissing her passionately as soon as she enters the house. Don’t talk, but listen to verbal and especially non-verbal signals. And if you get confirmation, proceed further. Most women prefer comfortable and romantic environments, rather than the hallway, so be creative leading her into such. You’ll get bonus points once she recognizes that you have created a romantic space just for this situation.
Good luck, and don’t be stupid with this one. Send me your experiences!
2. Oily Treats
Now to the promised gentle one. Who doesn’t love a massage? Getting naked in a warm room with your loved one, plus the magic of touch… an easy one to transit into sexy times.
So offer a massage to your partner, and of course also fulfill that part of the deal. Learn a bit about it, there are tons of YouTube videos and instruction all over the Internet. Use a good massage oil (e.g. coconut oil) for creating a lubricated atmosphere. After warming up the whole body, do what the normal massage therapist doesn’t do: take care of the intimate parts. Yoni Massage for women and Lingam Massage for men are super relaxing. And it’s great to be touched in those areas in a therapeutic way.
But we were talking about initiating sex, right? While it’s great having Yoni/Lingam massages in a completely non-sexual way, when doing them to your partner it can be allowed to transit into sexy times. Not every time. Don’t make it exclusively about that. But sometimes is totally ok, and your partner will appreciate it, I’m sure. Still don’t know how to do it? Do what the massage therapist doesn’t. Start kissing, start becoming passionate. And intercourse will soon be on its way!
3. Verbal Tease
Planing to initiate sex in the evening? Why not start heating the situation up ahead of time during the day?
That works when you and your significant other are separated through life’s circumstances, e.g. work. Send him/her a naughty message about what you are going to do with him/her later that day. Technology nowadays allows us to easily exchange photography that underlines the undertaking.
Of course it also works when you’re spending the day together, e.g. your Saturday afternoon in a café. Whisper your evening’s intention into your significant other’s ear in public. Could involve some blushing, but hey, what a turn on!
When the mentioned time comes, of course you have to fulfill your promise. This is the actual initiation. But hey, your significant other should be so hot by then that a rejection is unlikely (unless you’ve done some really tiring stuff during the day, e.g. exploring Manhatten on foot). So let your seducer/seductress out.
4. Don’t… be yourself
I mean usually, of course you should be yourself. But maybe not this time. In a long-term relationship it might be very interesting to break out of the conventional way of how you normally start making love to each other. You can take this as far as pretending to be someone else. Meet as “strangers” in a bar. Be that fantasy your significant other always has. For the advanced: be the secret crush that your significant other has. Have him/her call you that name. And for the initiating part it’s important to do this from the start. Be that teacher that your SO has been naughty to, and have him go to detention class. Start sexy times from there.
This of course requires a bit of confidence. But it’s also great for practicing exactly that. If you feel the need to build it up first, participate in some improvisation theatre classes. Of course you can also set this up together. À la “if we meet tonight, we’re going to be strangers”:
Is it good for a relationship to pretend to not be the people you really are in this relationship? Again: if this is the only way you two get turned on, then probably something is unhealthy. But having it in your tool box and using it for adding some occasional extra spice sounds very healthy to me.
So where to start?
I repeat: these are not algorithms. There is no start, no exact procedure, and no end. Simply be creative. Work on what’s maybe not so strong in your personality and what’s needed for being an initiator:
- Boost your libido
- Truly love yourself
- Pump up your sexual confidence
- And become less afraid of being rejected
In parallel, simply be creative and proactive. And don’t be afraid of quoting porn plots or utilizing clichéd fantasies. You can make the experience they are leading to very much non clichéd with your individual style.
And last but not least: communicate. Communicate with your partner about your desires, your fear of initiation, and all the insecurities you and he/she might have around the topic of sex. It turns out to be the most important factor of all.
I hope these ideas will spice up your love life a bit.