Ladies, have you ever had one of those soul shaking, hands curling up like t-rex arms, reality-shifting orgasms? The kind where your vision turns into a solid color, you might be screaming, you’re not sure, or you might be entirely silent. Where you see yourself, truly, clearly. Or you see God. And you realize it’s one and the same. The everything and the nothing.
If so, Im willing to bet that when this happened, it didn’t happen in the snap of the fingers. It probably took some time to build up.
Clitoral orgasms can happen quickly, but to have a vaginal orgasm, women generally need 20+ minutes of stimulation. And to get to the level of soul shaking orgasms, women need a long time, perhaps 45 minutes or more.
However, the average man nowadays lasts about five to seven minutes during penetration.
Do the math. See the problem.
So if you’re with a man that lasts the average five to seven minutes it means that, most likely, clitoral orgasms are what you can best hope for. And don’t get me wrong, I know clitoral orgasms are great. How could anything that is called ‘orgasm’ not be great?
However, the deeper orgasms lead to new levels of intimacy, vulnerability, openness, energy and pleasure.
The good thing is that every man can learn to be a stud in bed, it just takes some practice. So if you’re with a man that’s great in every way, but you’d like him to last longer, what can you do? Even if he is currently lasting 20 minutes, how can you help him to last 45 or more? What about two hours of sex, how does that sound?
And how can you do so in a way that doesn’t emasculate him? Men’s egos are notoriously finicky when it comes to the women in their lives, and especially to their performance in the bedroom. So here are some tips on how to help your man last longer in the sack, and to do so while empowering them.
Make him feel manly and build his esteem, outside of the bedroom.
There is an undeniable connection between a man’s sexual prowess and his confidence in life. And guess what, this goes both ways. So if you want your partner to be a better lover, the first place to start is in the everyday. Take a moment and notice – how often are you putting him down subtly, how often are you supporting him and empowering him? Now this doesn’t mean that you need to coddle him – if there is seriously a problem then address it.
However notice if your actions are telling him how strong he is, how powerful he is, how much you trust him, or if your actions are telling him how weak he is, how you can’t trust him, how he never does anything right. And make sure you are telling him with words too. Often women think that they are clearly expressing something to their men, and the men are oblivious. So be obvious and blunt. Don’t lie to him – he’ll feel it, and feel like a fraud. But when he does something that makes you feel taken care of, that builds your trust in him – tell him so. ‘Darling, when you asked for that promotion at work that impressed me so much, made me feel your strength, and that turned me on!’, or ‘when you take care of our yard it makes me feel taken care of’.
The more he is empowered and confident in life, and in your relationship, the more he will bring that into the bedroom.
Make him feel manly, in the bedroom.
Again, be honest, but give him compliments here too. Show him how much pleasure he gives you. When he rocks your world, let him know.
And if he’s not rocking your world, be compassionate, and be supportive. Do not pity him, or get frustrated. Nothing is going to kill his lasting ability like disapproval or judgement. Be aware that this is a cultural problem, and therefore very hard to retrain, in part because of the widespread availability of pornography, and boys masturbating guiltily and as quickly as possible. If he is working to build his stamina, he needs your support, your patience and your compassion.
This is the trickiest part. You will need to talk to him about it, ideally outside of the bedroom. This will require some vulnerability on his part, and your support. Make sure to tell him how hot his dedication to your pleasure is, how much his intention to improve turns you on. If he is open to it invite him to read my article for men on how to last longer
Be aware of your own pleasure and your own energy.
In Tantra women are referred to as Shakti, which means power. Feminine sexual energy is much more powerful than masculine sexual energy, and can easily overwhelm his control. Very often a woman’s orgasm can pull the man over the edge. So if you want to help him to improve his stamina, you may need to delay your own orgasm at some points. Eventually your man will be able to keep going through your orgasms, but when in the training phase this is the dangerous time for him.
And you can move your own energy! A man who is well practiced in lovemaking can move his partner’s energy, even if he doesn’t realize that is what he is doing. Some women then rely on their partners for this. But you can move your own energy as well, and that will make it easier for your man to last longer.
What does this even mean? What am I talking about with energy?
In the Tantric tradition our physical bodies are connected to the emotional and mental bodies through the energy system. This energy flows throughout the entire body, but is heaviest in the lower parts of the body.
The sexual energy is especially powerful and dense. When this energy is flushed up the spine it moves throughout the system and lightens, while making room for more sexual energy. When too much sexual energy builds up in the pelvic region the result is often orgasm. Remember how women’s energy is stronger than men’s energy – this is what is happening when he comes too quickly. So when you move your own energy and it begins moving up the spine, this can help to move his energy up his spine as well, improving his stamina.
To learn the most powerful technique for the movement of energy check out this free video tutorial I created.
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Help him be aware of his energy
I’m going to let you in on a secret. Men are focused on their penises. You probably think you already know this, but it’s even more true than you know. This is why men love blowjobs and often don’t care about other types of foreplay. Many men are essentially unable to feel sexual arousal in other parts of their body. And this is a huge factor in his ability to last, and his overall pleasure.
So you can help by bringing awareness to other parts of his body, and helping him to spread his energy there. I will ask my lovers to kiss my forehead, to scratch up along my spine, to grab my arms and to hit me in the chest. These all create different sensations and help me to be aware of the other parts of my body. The more he remembers that he has hands, and feels the sensations in his hands, the more some of that sexual energy that is building will naturally move to his hands. The same is true for his neck, his shoulders, her back, his chest, his legs, etc. Find out what kind of sensation he likes, and offer that as much as possible during lovemaking. This will give him more overall pleasure, while at the same time reducing the build-up of sexual energy in the genitals.
And remember ladies, even with complete dedication, it will take time for him to master this.
So if he is a keeper, give him that space. Love him for who he is, and be patient and supportive in this practice. Each time you notice improvement, let him know how much that means to you, how hot that is, and he will be encouraged to continue. This way the two of you can work together for those soul-shaking, bed-destroying orgasms.
My friend and colleague Eyal Matsliah offers an incredible helpful online course for men who want to master their ejaculation and learn to have tantric orgasms. Check it out by clicking the image below.