People often ask me: How do you keep your relationship spicy?
For the background information: I literally spend almost every second of my life with my boyfriend (with whom I’ve been having a happy relationship for more than 7 years, (very soon to be 8) and still, we manage to keep our attraction towards each other up. Let’s talk about what we do to keep the secret juices in our long-term relationship flowing.
Ok, it might be that we are simply lucky in our compatibility, meaning that we have a natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values, plus there is this whole chemistry part (or soul-connection if you want) that shows a strong emotional connection. I mean this strong attraction of wanting to be with him. I actually dreamed about our relationship a few months before we came together.
Tell me if I am wrong but too often we see relationships fading out of passion and attraction. They either turn cold due to the overly strong burning passion in the beginning. Or the relationship turns into a more compassionate, brother and sister like relation.
I am co-working with my boyfriend in the same room, living with him in the same flat, eating together most of the time (no, not from the same plate) and sleeping almost every night next to each other. We have the same friends and share almost similar interests. How couldn’t this over time not turn into some overboiled boring curry, you might ask?
The following list shows you what me and my boyfriend did (and are still doing) to keep our relationship nice’n spicy.
1. Stay, Yep It’s that Simple, Individual Beings
This is my personal number one favorite. I believe it’s the magic ingredient to beat boring couple stagnation.
I’ve watched many couples grow dusty within a few years of a relationship. What’s the reason for this? Obviously there can be many. But one thing I especially notice is that over time a long-term couple sort of becomes one person. You’ll notice when every time you are alone out with friends and they ask you where your significant other is.
My grandparents were in such unity that they used to complete each other’s thoughts. Nothing wrong with unity, but staying an individual will not only make you an interesting person but you will feel much more attracted towards your partner. It’s like the plus and minus in an energy circuit. They attract each other but you wanna keep them just a little apart.
My personal experience is that when I follow my own interests, sometimes do things by myself, for myself, have a hobby, that is dear to me (that I am not sharing with my partner) I create a polarity within the relationship.
Honor each other’s me-time. You might think, easy! But most tend to forget about it.
A certain freedom comes along with it too. It’s a feeling of being able to breathe (for all the chronic singles out there: yes, it’s possible to feel free in a relationship). You’ll have your own individual worldview and experience to share with that other person. That makes everything much, much more exciting.
2. Have A Soulful World-changing Bold Vision Together
So once you have created this polarity which I just spoke about in my number one tip, how do you make sure that the polarity doesn’t expand too much so that in the end you separate?
First of all there is never certainty in a relationship so be grateful for what there is now.
What has helped me and my partner along the way of walking side by side through the world with enjoyment and enthusiasm has been having a big vision together.
Every once in a while we have a vision talk. Where we check in with our desires and whether we are still satisfied where all of whatever is going on is going. I believe it’s the second most important thing to do to have a basis for a spicy, exciting relationship.
Some couples do have this polarity, but they are missing the vision so that the overly fiery passion burns out the relationship as quickly as it manifested.
3. C’mon go travel together and have some fun life-changing adventures
This works every time for me and my partner. When we are on the move, visiting new countries, learning something about different cultures and having some fun adventures together, we are simply high on each other. The fact of being a stranger somehow melts you together.
Yes, you spend time with each other, a lot of it. And you might think this breaks the logic of number one, where it’s more about respecting each other’s me-time. But hey, you are in a strange country, with unknown habits and weird food, you don’t know anyone, this is almost like a me-time for the both of you (if that makes sense?!).
Travelling is the perfect combination of smelling each other’s sweat, which is by the way an unusual tip for increasing your libido, and testing your water if you can actually smell each other, plus it’ll weld together your life story.
4. Break them daily patterns & free yourself from your own boringness
So you are the kind of couple that also spend every minute of your time together, working together, eating together, sleeping together; there is nothing that you keep from each other? And you slowly, slowly feel the stagnation sneaking in?
The number one thing we do: Playing with each other. Even though it’s daily life and you might be lazy, get your ass up and play. Surprise him or her with a new meal. Or a new idea. Or a new sexual fantasy. You could for example try out a Yoni or Lingam Massage. Break them patterns and free yourself from your own boringness. Life isn’t there for seriousness.
5. Role Play? Why not?
Both of you are handling things very equally? Both of you are care takers for your children? Both of you are cleaning the house? Both of you are going to work? Both of you are playing with the children? See, I am repeating myself; maybe you have the same repetition in your relationship. Everything is totally even. So even, that things in bed get flat, and, well, somehow democratic.
Don’t get me wrong. I love gender equality. It’s just that there is a tendency for our daily tasks to be so interwoven that the polarity, the plus and minus, the attraction towards each other drops out.
Why not get into a soft D/s play (aka domination and submission). Read this article by Steve Pavlina to begin with. You might ask me, why would you want me to? Well D/s play is wonderful for increasing sexual and emotional intensity. Exactly what a long-term relationship often needs to revamp.
Imagine you have this keyword that spikes up your horniness in a second and you just wanna jump on him/her? Exciting!
What I want to say here is that you don’t have to become a SM professional, but that I want you to invest time into your intimacy. Figure out your fantasies, play with each other and especially try out new things.
6. Celebrate your togetherness – create your love liberating ritual
Those things can be special and love engaging. And I don’t mean to follow the mainstream once a year love ritual on Valentines Day. I mean your own ritual, any day of the year, one that belongs to only the two of you.
Of course it could be your anniversary, or a certain day that you feel like celebrating. Or maybe your marriage that you’ve been planning on for a long time. Or maybe even a certain practice that just connects the two of you closely. Even an erotic play could be a wonderful way of celebrating your sweet togetherness.
A ritual is a symbolic way of celebrating something. So, go and celebrate.
7. Close the toilet door
It’s this laziness. You probably think: “Well, my lover’s seen me naked so many times, what’s so wrong with taking a wee in front of him while he is brushing his teeth?!”
Everything. It’s the total polarity destroyer. I am not saying that weeing is something to be ashamed of. Just don’t do in front of your lover, full stop.
8. Open up to unconditional love
At least a more thoughtful one, an open relationship. If done right, very rewarding.
Did you know that more than 50% of all spouses are victims of infidelity. A sad reality, and it all happens in secret, based on lies and disrespect.
I am all in for radical honesty here. You feel like having sex with someone? Talk to your partner about it and find a way that works for the both of you.
I had an open relationship with my beloved one for about 6 months. We didn’t do it because we hated each other, but because we love each other so deeply, that we wanted to give the other the freedom to explore themself sexually.
The most important grounds for us were honesty, transparency and one step at a time. Don’t jump into a wild adventure if your lover doesn’t feel ready. Go this path together if you choose to try an open relationship. Find out about your own boundaries, things that help you to handle your crazy jealousy monster – trust me it will awaken. The question is how to ride that crazy shit.
Until today we love to meet individuals and couples and have a fun time with them together. This freedom has made our relationship not only stronger but much, much more exciting because so much is possible. Also for you.